RHADAMANTHYS & AEACUS
HADES! HADES! ALL HAIL HADES!

Hades takes his Seat of Judgement. Prosecuting Council steps forward.

RHADAMANTHYS
NOW LET YOUR TIME IN THE LAND OF ARCADEA BE TOLD
WHERE YOUR BLOOD RAN HOT BEFORE YOUR BODY GREW COLD
WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER/FATHER,
MOTHER, LOVER, EVERYONE GONE?
YOU'RE IN UNDERWORLD NUMBNUTS, WHAT HAS GONE ON?
TESTIFY!

PITY'S TOO PRETTY, LET'S HIT NITTY GRITTY AND DRIVE
DESTINY STANDS BEFORE YOU AND TWO DOORS BEHIND
WHICH DOOR'S GONNA OPEN? WHICH ONE WILL SWING WIDE?
GIMME THE TRUTH AND THE WHOLE TRUTH

I WANT TO KNOW… WHO YOU'VE BEEN
WANT TO SEE… WHAT YOU'VE SEEN
WANT TO HEAR… WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH
WANT TO KNOW… WHAT TO DO WITH YOU
TESTIFY! TESTIFY! TESTIFY!

Defending Counsel steps forward.

AEACUS
My Lord, I must object!

HADES
Hmm. Sustained.

AEACUS
Thankyou

AEACUS
YOUR HONOUR, I MUST OBJECT TO SMEAR UPON SMEAR.
THIS SOUL BEFORE YOU HELD FAMILY DEAR!
HIS FATHER HE VALUED WITH HIGHEST REVERE
IF ONLY HE’D KNOWN HIM, HE WOULDN’T BE HERE

MY CLIENT ARRIVES IN THIS DOCK TO STAND TRIAL
AN IDIOT AND CLOT THERE CAN BE NO DENIAL
A FOOL WHO HAS FALLEN MY LORD, FROM A HEIGHT
BUT BAD HE IS NOT, MAY HIS SENTENCE BE LIGHT.
HADES
WANT TO KNOW

RHADAMANTHYS
TO KNOW

AEACUS
WHO YOU'VE BEEN

HADES
WANT TO SEE

RHADAMANTHYS
WANT TO SEE

AEACUS
WHAT YOU'VE SEEN

HADES
WANT TO HEAR

RHADAMANTHYS
WANT TO HEAR

AEACUS
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH

HADES
WANT TO KNOW

RHADAMANTHYS
WANT TO KNOW

AEACUS
WHAT THE HELL TO DO WITH YOU!

HADES
So what have you got to say for yourself?

NEV
If I'm going to be tried, I want a jury!

HADES laughs, long and gruesome.

HADES
Bring in the jury!!!

Enter the seven members of the JURY, Souls at various stages of decomposition and punishment. One is in bondage gear dragging chains. One is in full military regalia with a bomb strapped to the head. Another’s head in a vice. One has head and hands in medieaval stocks, face smeared with eggs and tomatoes. Another is a pin-cushion of nine inch nails. Two are happy-clappy gay vicars from Elysium holding hands and beaming benevolently. All in all, they are NEV’s worst nightmare.

HADES
THEY SAY LIFE'S A BITCH AND THAT'S BEFORE YOU DIE
TRIAL BY JURY! JUDGEMENT DAY HAS ARRIVED!

HADES, RHADAMANTHYS, AEACUS AND THE JURY
TESTIFY! TESTIFY! TESTIFY!
TESTIFY! TESTIFY! TESTIFY!

HADES
I WANT TO KNOW

RHADAMANTHYS
WANT TO KNOW, TO KNOW

AEACUS
WHO YOU'VE BEEN

HADES
I WANT TO SEE

RHADAMANTHYS
WANT TO SEE, SEE WHAT

AEACUS
WHAT YOU'VE SEEN

HADES
I WANT TO HEAR

RHADAMANTHYS
WANT TO HEAR, HEAR WHAT

AEACUS
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH

HADES
I WANT TO KNOW

RHADAMANTHYS
WANT TO KNOW

AEACUS
WHAT THE HELL TO DO WITH YOU!

HADES, RHADAMANTHYS, AEACUS AND THE JURY
TESTIFY! TESTIFY! TESTIFY!
TESTIFY! TESTIFY!
TEST…!

HADES
C’mon Jury!

HADES, RHADAMANTHYS, AEACUS AND THE JURY
TI…!

HADES
Decide his fate!

A long note, held suspended.

HADES
Eternity in the heaven of Elysium? Or condemned forever to the hell that is The Punishment Fields of Tartarus?

It is clear where HADES thinks NEV should go. He bangs his gavel. Everything stops.

NEV
Please may I go to the toilet?

The JURY Members each step forward in turn to deliver their verdict.

BONDAGE
Tartarus.

BOMBHEAD
Elysium.

HEAD-IN-VICE
Tartarus.

STOCKS
Elysium.

NAILS
Tartarus.

HAPPY-CLAPPY ONE
Elysium.

HADES
(turning to the seventh juror)
So ... Elysium or the Punishment Fields of Tartarus ... you have the deciding vote.

They all look at the last juror. After a long pause, on a whim and with a beaming smile ...

HAPPY-CLAPPY TWO
Tartarus.

NEV
No!!!

The door to Tartarus swings open. The GRIM REAPER stands framed in the doorway, beckoning.

HADES, RHADAMANTHYS, AEACUS AND THE JURY
TESTIFY! TESTIFY!
TES - TI –
TESTIFY!
TES – TI – FY!

HADES
Court convened.